Mary: My ex-husband liked for me to be vocal during sex.
Jill:Yeah?
Mary: Oh, yes. I'd yell, "Faster, faster!"
Jill: And he liked that!
Mary: Oh yeah! And I'd yell, "Harder, harder!"
Jill: And, of course, he liked that!
Mary: Yep! But it always upset him when I'd yell, "Deeper, deeper!"
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A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69."
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs, and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart!
"What was that for???" he asks."Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.
"Wait, where are you going??" she asks.
The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
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Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"
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This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, poochy pooh. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, my darling... but the bar...you know...the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that the she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres honey dear?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc."
But cutey pie...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words sweety pie?...HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER! IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS! AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES! BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!"
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Tree of Life
Life is like a tree full of monkeys,all on limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes
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A passenger on a cruise ship spotted a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
The passenger goes to the captain and asks, "Who is it?"
The captain says, "Beats me. Every year when we pass, he fucking goes nuts."
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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' "
I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
"He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first..."
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