This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, poochy pooh. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, my darling... but the bar...you know...the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that the she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres honey dear?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc."
But cutey pie...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words sweety pie?...HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER! IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS! AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES! BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!"
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A guy walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said, "Do you like sex?"
He said, "Of course I like sex."
She said, "Do you like to travel?"
He said, "Yeah, I love to travel."
She said, "Good, then fuck off."
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In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked,
"What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded,
"Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged. One Texan turned to the other and said "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping she shook her head "No".
He asked "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping she again shook her head "No".
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said "Ya' know it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"
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A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"
"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"
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One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
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