"JOKES PAGE # 14"
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't - she'll surely bitch ~
Does she care how much I'll itch?
Take the razor and lather up,
Gawd that bitch is so corrupt
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls ~ and cut off my dick?
Easy now ~ hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake,
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head ~ get ridda the hair.
So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice ~ without one nick!"
Feel 'em baby ~ they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"
She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby ~ ain't givin no head!"
She rolls on over ~ and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off ~ I'm about to crack!
Next day ~ its breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats,
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelette was made with pubic hair.
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BASIC BAR TRANSLATIONS..........
1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end... beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)
5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE."(FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)
6. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE (MALE)
(I'm gay.)
7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)
8. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)
9. "DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?"
(I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.)
10. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
11. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?)
12. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
13. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (MALE)
(It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably spent half my pay
check in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.)
14. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)
15. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)
16. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
17. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
18. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)
19. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)
20. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a whore and get your eyes off of my man, or
I'll slap you like the slut you are, bitch.)
21. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
23. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
24. "NO, REALLY, I'M OK TO DRIVE."
25. "I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS."
26. "LET'S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES." (MALE TO FEMALE)
27. "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY."
28. "YOU GO AHEAD, I'LL CATCH A CAB."
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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Darling, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two,three, four, five, six
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Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned
to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn,
I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my
panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."
George replied, "We don't have to go back. Just give Fido
my trusty police dog one sniff, and he will go fetch them
for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back
to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.
After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he
sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the
station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass,
and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass,
and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a
dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk
Sergeant's balls in his mouth!
***************************************
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided To play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis
hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died."
It did" he said. "Today is the viewing."
****************************************
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like
this:
O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison......'
****************************************
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.
The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"
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Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology". The town fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed "Hysterias and Posteriors".
The Doctors didn't find it acceptable, and suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".
The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics".
Thumbs down again, by now the story was in the papers and suggestions began rolling in:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on "Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends"
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(Did I sleep with him/her?)
(I don't have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my last visit here.)
(I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who i am going home with.)
(I can't throw anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.)
(You would look great face down in my lap.)
(I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.)
(I already lined up a ride home with your 'ex'.)
- then there's you - eight, nine,ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....
"Minds and Behinds"
"Lost Souls and Ass-holes"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
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