Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged. One Texan turned to the other and said "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping she shook her head "No".
He asked "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping she again shook her head "No".
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said "Ya' know it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"
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A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair" Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out...now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. "He pondered a moment and blurted out I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem, you've got it, it's the least I can do. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked looking at the wife.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said.
"Consider it done." the genie said.
"And now," they both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at this wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked,
"Tell me, how old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.
"No shit! Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in genies?"
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Why sex is like a roller coaster:
It goes like this - You get on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.
There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited. Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure.
Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.
The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark, sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always...........always........at the end, there's a big smile on the face, hair is all messed up............ and everyone is talking about how great it is while some of them say, "I wanna go again"...
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Women got vibrators.....men got their fist... why do they even bother with each other?
Must be for oral sex I guess, that's hard to do alone.
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AOL Cybersex
Twas the night of Nekkid Frustration
Twas a quiet night, And all through the house, No one was home, Not even the spouse.
I was real horny, With no one here who would care, So I dialed AOL, To see if My friends were there.
I looked at my buddy list, To see who was online, While visions of cyber-sex, Danced through my mind.
When all of a sudden, Who on my list should appear, Just the best little cyber-babe, I'd ever had here.
I im'd her with "hey darlin", Kisses, hugs, and hello, When I suggested a private room, She said 'lets go".
I made up a name, We both clicked, and were in, Anticipating the fun that, Was about to begin
.We {S kissed and {S hugged, Then our clothes we did shuck, It was just then, I ran out of luck.
Naked and hot, To the imaginary bed we scooted, When the next thing I knew, I had been booted.
I ranted and raved, And cursed AOL, For taking my money and, Putting me through hell.
I signed on again, And imaptiently waited, Hoping and praying, Her lust hadn't abated.
I was finally online and, To the room I did dash, To my little cyber-girl, And heaven at last.
We got past the foreplay, Were cyber-fuckin and then, To my utter frustration, I was booted again.
I cursed AOL, As I got back online, For what I swore would be, The very last time.
We got down to business, And as the end neared, It happened again, That thing that I feared.
Now the first was bad timing, The second rough, But the third time booted, I'd had enough.
A letter I wrote, Addressed to Steve Case, Telling him what I would do, If we ever came face to face.
I wrote in great detail, Just how he would pay, For my getting booted, Three times getting layed.
You may think this funny, A ass-slappin hoot, But the next time you cyber, WATCH OUT FOR THE BOOT
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It seems researchers at the University of Mississippi Medical School have come up with the first marijuana-based medical suppository. The only drawback so far is that approximately ten minutes after insertion,you have an overpowering urge to shove a twinkie up your ass.
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A guy's in the bar when an alien from outer space walks through the door and sits next to him.
The drunk thinks nothing of it, trying to maintain good inter- galactic peace, and all.
The alien orders himself a drink. When he's halfway through with the drink, he licks his green finger, and then sticks the finger in the drunk's ear.
The drunk's irritated, but again, in the interest of seeing there's no interstellar war, he says nothing.
The alien pulls his finger out, finishes his drink, and then orders another one. Once he reaches the half-way point in that drink, he again licks his finger, then puts that finger into the drunk's ear.
"Hey, Buddy, how 'bout let's lay off the ear pokin', what do you say?"
Well, as you know, halfway through the alien's third drink, the alien licks and sticks once again. The drunk has forgotten his peaceful ways and says, as forcibly as he can, "Look, asshole, if you do that again, I'm gonna rip your balls off!"
The alien orders one more drink. Stirs it for awhile . . . and, you guessed it, licks that green finger and again sticks it right in the drunk's ear.
"Goddammit!!!" the drunk roars, and reaches between the alien's legs to carry out his threat. But there's "nothing there".
The drunk's a little confused. "Man, if you've got no balls, then how do you screw?"
The alien licks his finger and sticks it in the drunk's ear.
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